I have accepted this is what I have and it needs to be healed, it gives me strength and a foundation to start from. I have already began to seek help, first from God because he is my Lord, he sees all, knows all and can heal me. I have good friends supporting me their words and being able to chat with them gives me strength. There’s other ways to help that are farther down the road for now. At times today I almost feel like I’m fine(lol), but waves of emotional pain still come and almost drowned me in it hard to breathe I suppose I’m hyperventilating just so much fun. Then it passes and I’m like I’m okay ok but then I have other moments where its like I look at my body and you can see cracks, millions of cracks you can feel it energy pulsing below it like I’m just barely holding on to this level and not dropping back down to the Abyssal ocean. My imagination is insanely vivid and I have created worlds in my head for as long as I can remember. My general state of how I feel mentally is reflected in my head as a world that I’ve created with rules lol. It’s the hub world I can go to like any other type of imagination or whatever but this is the core one the one that I easily close my eyes and I step into an inside of it I see where my memories are my emotions can be weather effects/ environmental effects. It truly is a second reality there’s the outer reality and the inner one the bad thing is when my emotions whatever go out of control like with depression I see crazy stuff. The dark tales of the inner world post those “tales” I enhanced them slightly artistically when describing what I was seeing to hide exactly what I was feeling but the general tone I mean I’m seeing that when I close my eyes. The lowest level I see in endless Ocean and dark and light colors and an large cloudy sky and I walk on the ocean that’s both water and crystal and feel the textures. Anyway what I trying to say is that because of how vivid my mind is behind my eyes when I’m stressed or very very tired it can bleed over into the real world. So I guess it is visual hallucinations like looking at the sky and watching it cracks form across it, looking at my skin and seeing it shattering into a million pieces. Severe depression mixed with Aspergers mixed with other things that we are not sure of so I’m not going to mention them here makes for a crazy life and feeling and seeing and sometimes they are interchangeable crazy things.
So I have finally stopped denying it and accepted the fact that I am mentally ill. That I have been that way for quite a few years now at least 5 probably more. Surprisingly that seems help calm my mind a little bit, as in I was making it worse by denying it. Accepting the truth is painful but from here its all laid out and I can build from here to help heal myself.
The Loss of Constructive Solitude.
I value my solitude. Time spent with others often feels awkward, anxious, and disingenuous. In the quiet of my own mind, my calm, true self emerges. But when I am depressed, that true self is obscured by thoughts of self-loathing and destruction. So I need, and seek out, the company of others–if not for comfort, at least for distraction. Solitude becomes painful, even intolerable. I love my solitude and miss it horribly, but sometimes I just can’t have it–not for a moment. When I am depressed, the very aloneness that usually sustains me threatens to destroy me.
I want, and have always wanted, to be intellectually and emotionally (if not materially) self-sufficient. I strive to be a self-contained, self-controlled unit comprising my unique values, ideas, and overall world-view. I do not always like the world that surrounds me, and do not wish to become too deeply enmeshed in it. Of course, on the other side of this self-reliance is a profound, if conflicted, desire to connect with other human beings and even–can I write it?–love. Depression compounds this longing with terrible impulses to share my pain, to be validated and nurtured and consoled and comforted, and to surrender my prized individuality to the care of another person–because caring for myself becomes just too burdensome. These impulses feel foreign to my true self, and I am uncomfortable having them.
Along the same lines, depression arouses in me an inescapable yearning to be held, rocked, and comforted like a baby. But I basically hate being touched. Even a light tap on the arm can overwhelm me with a convulsive horror, and hugs feel like forced drowning. Often I come away from experiences of touch feeling disassembled and violated; I want to ward off, to retreat. This conflict persists regardless of how depressed I am feeling, but the depression introduces an additional urgent, helpless (and foreign) need for physical nurturance which confounds me more than ever.( I am not as bothered as this person. The more I know someone the closer I am to them the less I am bothered by physical contact)
Sometimes I hate this invictus chain, no matter how times I strike, it refuses to break….so I walk back into the storm of Shadows and blades. How long will it take to emerge from one reality to next?
I stand before the immovable, immortal Chain once again. As life weeps from each rift upon me, I summon a great sword from the pool below. I calm my breath, then charge upon it and rain the mightiest blows onto its invincible links. In short order one of the blows will shatter the blade, shards to cut and then rest to restart it all.
To be lost in the storm and feel the air thicken as breathe gets more difficult to pull in. Adding vents outside thins the air, but feeds the storm inside. Why keep walking?
The storm grew so strong it coalesced with another storm to become an empty void, blanketing all. Now I stand here a blank canvas. Painting brings color, but unless a star is found only the color is red.
Walking roads so deep that I find a truth most painful. An orb with connections so long and dark they spiral into everything. I draw it to me, peer into its depths, and find why progress has stopped. What do I do? I know the answer everyone will hand me, but I don’t have the strength and time is trickling away. This truth changes everything and I don’t what my course is anymore.
Endless emptiness fills me, lines burn me, and hunger annoys me. What will awaken me?
The world has lost color, only light and dark remain. A vast smooth ocean lies under my feet with a cloudless sky above. I believed this was the End, but darkness wishes to drag me under the crystalline waters. I fight against it with sword in hand. Though my care is nearly gone, I am afraid of the Depths below. For if I thought this was the End, what truly lies in the abyss?
Its been a while since I last posted. I am really bad about posting journal type stuff or even knowing what to say.well I’ve accepted that I have aspergers I do plan someday when I can finally get a job again to go and get in official diagnostic it would nice to have official paperwork though I don’t really like doctors and stuff so its going to be awkward. I read this other blog today about a lady who also has Aspergers and she was talking about her fantasy world she lives in a lot of her life, I also have such fantasies multiple world connected to one hub world. I have a world inside my head it’s how I see my mind my emotions and everything I think or feel. Currently its on its third addition if you will third form in this form in the center of my mind it is a sphere that in the center of lies my spiritual heart and I stand next to it. The spiritual heart floats on top of a pedestal but there is a pedestal on the top also like it contains it between the two, and outward from the pedestals in both top and below directions grows crystal tree roots they really do act like tree roots but they’re hard like crystal milky white and the brighter more power that my spiritual heart has the brighter the light is through the crystal roots tell it lights up the whole of the world. Some distance away from the heart lies A horizontal tunnel all the way around the heart that contains a great steel ring and on the ring im not sure and how many places There are oddly. there are clouds with cities on them but not like the spread out view of cities each city looks like a cluster of skyscrapers. These cities represent the sections of my mind like memories or knowledge.one thing that probably changes that’s all is that I am obviously religious and because I have not gone to church in a few weeks the light in the heart has dimmed and gone out to a degree where I cannot see my inner world. I find it quite funny that I create a world with the rules and when the rules are not followed there are consequences the only source of light can be from the heart but if the heart is not powered then there is no light and therefore I cannot see in my world very odd something you create with your own head and you have to follow it. Currently today it is Wednesday and I am going to church tonight. Also since last night and today I’ve had a rare and odd occurrence where the fantasy elements seem to bleed unto reality. My right side of my body is covered in armour and I have half a mask on. Now I know this is not true my five senses dont see it but my mind says it is and I feel a heavier weight on that side and I start to compensate for it and its not even there. Lol odd huh.
its been awhile since I tried to blog, but heck sure this will be fun. well I’m 25 and I found out that I have aspergers syndrome, not official diagnosis but my parents have known for 14 years by matching the previous 11 years with the information in books and on the Internet with people with Aspergers. after I found out I looked up every bit of information on the internet and books YouTube on Asperger’s and I believe I have it also it matches every memory I have. I had started believing that I had a personality disorder for a long time, but couldn’t find one the matched perfectly. Then about 3 months ago I started feeling like I wasn’t like others, like I say reality differently it got very confusing. I’ve been dealing with depression for years, but this feeling made it even worse. I fell into the abyss lost hope, lost feeling, I went to work cause I had too but even that conviction began breaking away. I felt dead. My one true friend called (he lives 7 hours away) me and talked to me for while asked a bunch of questions, then came and visited my the next weekend. He said due to answers I gave him he decided tell me what he believed I had. Of which he heard about from my sister who heard about from my mom. I looked it up and t matched more perfectly then anything before (not perfect cause everyone is a little different). It revitalized me told me why I do things who I am what I am it was one of the best days ever. Though quite a shock. Lol it made me happy but also made me sad because I thought I could be a normal person and I thought with this I can’t be. But now it doesn’t bother me I love who I am I love being an aspie!